ok, here's the deal: i deleted all my poetry and burned my hand-written stuff. i've added the last two poems that i wrote prior to this. i just dont feel that they are good enough. i havent gotten very positive feedback so i just decided to stop making poetry for a while, even though i hadn't up dated in a while. here's why:

as many of you know, i was planning on killing myself. i dont really know why but i wanted to. i'm not dead, i failed yet again. i get this way now and then because i am not happy. so i thought back to when i was last happy and i got even more depressed. what caused such a massive depression, is about a month worth of time spent with someone i consider to be my best friend. i wanted more, they didnt. it was obvious, but i have such a hard time understanding things like that.

things like why, and how, and what can i do to blah blah blah. i never really got an answer but it's a lost cause. i tried to do things the way i thought they wanted, and that didnt work. i tried being a dick, that didnt work, i went back to being myself and that still didn't work. i didn't know what else to do.

at that point in my life, prior to meeting them, i was very depressed, and when things started happening, i got so happy so fast that i lost perspective. i didnt push, but i didnt pull either. i stopped when i was happy which was just being in the presence of this person. i forgot about how they might take things. i tried to be there, tried to give them someone to talk to but i failed. when this person decided it was time to move on or what-not, i got angry, very very angry. i was hurt. i was in pain. i was spending every moment alone with them wondering why.

i had never been in a situation like that. i had never felt such deep seated emotions for anyone before. it confused me. i had always felt like i could never love another person, i felt like i could never have that "i would die for them" mentality. and i did for this person.

i actually had a talk with them about how i would never say i love you to them, and as soon as i realized that they accepted that, i wanted to say it. that one talk had me hooked on that person. i had never met someone that understood me. that, i believe, is why i grew so protective and attached. i felt that i could finally be happy. i had never let myself enjoy life before. i found myself wanting to find work to support them, i had found something to live for. i was finally happy.

then they left. i didn't know what to do. i felt as though all the direction that they had given me by just being there was now gone. i had nothing to live for anymore. so i tried suicide. i felt this person would understand and see me wanting to end my life to help them make a decision. that notion backfired horribly, so i had to move on. i thought, i'll just run from my problems. that also didnt work, it made things in my own head worse.

the moving didnt work out so i had to come back, by that time this person was gone. i had no connection again. i was lost again. so i turned back to suicide, after a few other failures, like a lamp and a bathtub, pills and booze, and hanging, i thought i'll just erase memories of this person from my life. and i couldn't

i was cleaning up some files on a few of my flash drives and i came across the picture that made me long for this person in the worse way ever. it was green with this person nude and flowers infront of them. it made me long for the beauty that was not only on the outside, but on the inside of this person. it made me want to gaze into their eyes again and know that everything would turn out fine.

i dont know if what i have said will strike a chord with this person, but i hope it does and that they realize that i want to still try something. i will forgive and forget(not that they need it) but i am left wondering: will they do the same for me? can they do the same for me? do i deserve to be forgiven in their eyes?

i hope so.

~Tragik~